SPIN the verdicts

                                 The Daily Pheesh
                                 Friday July 1 2011

History was forged today as India's major religions buried centuries of acrimony to unite to form a single entity. The newly formed spiritual conglomeration, aptly titled SPIN(an acronym for Spiritual Power India) is the culmination of months of effort on the part of the heads of religious orders in India and has already been accepted as the governing entity by Hindu, Muslim, Christian and Sikh spiritual leaders. The governing body of SPIN shall, in accordance with the glorious heritage of post-Independence India, comprise 3 members from each of India's major religious communities. Swamy Vishweshwarananda, the head of the VHP, and proposed Supreme Leader of SPIN pointed out that the composition of the governing council was a resounding slap to thoe who believed that the VHP scorned other religions. "They are all Hindus anyway", he said.

It is believed that congregations of religious figures of all religions will gather in the near future to formally approve and sanctify SPIN. The Vatican, in a brief statement, greeted the formation of SPIN and termed it yet another step in the progress of the gospel of love and harmony.

SPIN sources categorically denied a rumour that the formation of SPIN is in any way, a response to the landmark Supreme Court Judgement legalizing civil unions between homosexual couples.DP



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Beware all ye shoe throwers..

                                 The Daily Pheesh
                                 Saturday April 23 2011


The passing out parade of the first batch of the National Shoe Guard was conducted yesterday with much fanfare at the NSG Academy in Kohlapur. Addressing the cadets, the Home Minister reminded them of the urgent need for the services of trained commandos and called upon them to strive to uphold the proud traditions of the security services in India. The first batch of the Shoe Guard will be immediately deployed in the security cover of public figures who require Z+ category protection. These elite commandos have been trained to identify restive figures in a crowd who might be potential show-throwers and have been given the authority to detain them. They have also been issued with high caliber slingshots and 15mm fiber stones to deflect shoes and other projectiles directed at public figures.


It is also rumored that in the event of a politician or public figure forgiving a shoe-thrower, the Shoe Guard Commandos are allowed to 'rough up' the offender in a 'restrained' manner for preventive purposes. Repeat offenders will be prosecuted by a special court and an amendment to the NSA to this effect is being debated in Parliament.

Politicians from across the spectrum hailed the inauguration of the NSG. The Prime Minister, in a statement, reminded the nation of the dark days of 2009 and 2010 when "...every notable public figure had to endure the humiliation of random individuals flinging footwear at him." He urged his fellow citizens to return to those days when shoes occupied their right place at the feet of people and all was good and happy in India.-DP


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Charity begins at..

                                 The Daily Pheesh
                                 Thursday February 1 2018


The Sree Parasuram Seva Sena(SPSS) is a charitable educational and moral concern which seeks to harness the values of our ancient civilization towards the greater good of our society. Though only 10 years old, the Sena is the inheritor of a tradition that stretches back to the glorious Indus Valley Civilization and seeks to ensure that this unbroken chain runs on for ever and ever. The Sena's primary initiatives are in the field of education and public service and it coordinates with a host of civil society organizations that share its values and principles. The Sena's educational institutions have been praised as models of the education of the future as they combine high academic standards with an ethical touch.

"Sree Parasuram Seva Sena schools and colleges have impressed me deeply with their commitment to the moral uplift of society. I urge all concerned parents to embrace the Sena schools for the sake of the nation and its culture"

Sri Vidhvesharahitananda
M.Litt, D.PHil
Educational expert

The Parasuram Seva Sena is proud to introduce two new courses for its able and dedicated students. They are:

1)B.Mp(Bachelor of Moral Policing)- Duration 1 year
This course seeks to instill the precepts of social activism in students and encourage them to realize the historical and cultural background of intervention in social affairs. The students will be instructed by a distinguished array of experienced faculty and will receive specific instruction from elite guest professors. A great deal of emphasis will be laid on field work. Male and female students will be permitted to attend this course. There will be no fees and students will be required to sign a bond pledging to serve the organization for one year
Eligibility-The applicant must be Hindu and healthy.

2)M.Mp(Master of Moral Policing)-Duration 6 months
This course will impart the philosophical background of social and moral activism to the students and prepare them to take up the mantle of leadership of social organizations in these troubled times. The students shall be granted access to senior functionaries and leaders of friendly social organizations and can learn from them in the best traditions of the guru-shishya tradition. This course is reserved for male students though exceptionally talented female students will be considered. This course will also be free of cost and students will be drafted to the higher levels of the SPSS.
Eligibility-The applicant must have a B.Mp degree and must be healthy and male(except for select cases.see above)

All donations made to the Sree Parasuram Seva Sena will be refunded by the Government of India.

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And while enough is enough....

                                 The Daily Pheesh
                                 saturday 14 may 2016

The 9/11 verification commission, in a special release yesterday, refused to grant the title of Sierra Leonne's 9/11 and Poland' 9/11 to the terrorist attacks that occurred in the first and second weeks of last month. It however officially certified that the attack on the 16th of last month in Baku can henceforth be referred to as Azerbaijan's 9/11. Mr. Wilkinson Blade, chair of the verification commision, while releasing the report in a news conference said that standards for granting the 9/11 title to terror attacks would have to be ramped up as "violent incidents which assault prominent national institutions are increasing both in number and in scope across the globe."
Mr Blade said that suggestions had been invited from governments all over the world on a new charter for 9/11 verification adding that the commission shall consider some of the after effects of the attack during the certification process. "I suppose unnecessary wars or say loss of faith in and abusive rhetoric against politicians could constitute some of the new criteria" said Mr. Blade. Interestingly, a member of the commission, on the condition of anonymity, expressed disgust with the recent proceedings of the commission and bemoaned the "importunate haste in claiming the 9/11 title as though that's the be all and end all of terror".
It is worth recalling that the 9/11 verification commission was set up following the international uproar over the decision of the State of New York to copyright the term 9/11 in January 2009. The members of the commission are appointed by the state of New York in consultation with the United Nations.

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A press release

                                 The Daily Pheesh
                                 saturday 2 October 2151

This is the text of the statement released by the Viva Human Purity(VHP) on the recent incidents in Sector 9* in Area 15091947.

The Viva Human Purity strongly condemns the murder of one of our activists at the hands of members from the Cosmic Human (CH) group. We would like to remind the dear humans of our planet that ever since the first of these dirty worshipers of the "double perpendicular" arrived on our planet in the last decade of the 21st century, there has been no peace for us humans. It must be remembered that we, along with our sister organizations all over the world, had managed to do away with 99% of all impure races by the middle of the last century employing tried and tested methods. Our acts have been driven by the very virtuous motivation of ensuring the triumph of the one-and-only-pure human race on this planet. However the CH, coming from the distant and foreign worlds seek to convert our our humans to their religion which emphasizes the worship of some unknown Cosmic being. All of us also know that these infidels promise our human brothers free trips to space to convert them to CH-ism. We have also seen how these calculating fiends managed to take away the life of our dear brother who was trying to conduct harmless experiments to enhance the purity of our human race. Friends, Brothers, we must wake up to attempts to defile our uniqueness.We must fight back! Down with this comic cosmic-isms we say. The CHs will burn in the fire of our pure anger and will be destroyed by the force of our sheer virtue.

We also request all our brothers to join in the vaporization journey of our beloved deceased brother. We would like to use this occasion to remember his work and perpetrate it further as a mark of respect to him. We urge all participants to maintain restraint. Let the world outside not know the full extent of our technical skill till we are completely ready.-DP




*Orissa is the 9th biggest state in India
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The Indian Century.

                               The Daily Pheesh
                               saturday 20 August 2050
In a shocking development, Sardar Bhumiputra Singh, the President of the Republic of India announced his resignation from all political posts today. In a moving and eloquent speech broadcast on SBS TV, the much respected SBS said “I am bored with running this country and its people. These people don’t deserve me.” This caps a Presidential career of 25 years for the majestic SBS who emerged from total anonymity to power after the communal riots and military coup of 2025. The resignation is especially significant in the context of the 2 houses of Parliament and the assemblies of India’s 32 states passing resolutions urging the noble SBS to continue as President till the end of his life.

Sources have reported that huge crowds have gathered in front of the statues of the picturesque SBS all over the country. An atmosphere of mourning prevails among these crowds with occasional slogans of “SBS Nahin to Kuch Nahin” , “Our path, SBS path” etc rending the air. There have also been rumours of suicides and attempts at self-immolation across the country. Further reports are awaited.

The first pan-Indian President (the ethnicity, religious background and even the name of the humanitarian SBS, Sardar Bhumiputra Singh being a pseudonym, are not known yet), the visionary SBS presided over the golden age of post-independent India as the erstwhile poor nation derided for its “Hindu rate of Growth” achieved new highs. The leadership of the visionary SBS saw the tricolor flying over Islamabad, Dhaka and Colombo, China adopting Hindi as its national language, India winning all the gold medals on offer at the 2032 Olympics in Patna and the landmark Bhopal Treaty on Greenhouse gases (which gave India a clean, unconditional and exceptional waiver from using only renewable energy sources). The multi-talented SBS also won the Nobel Prize for literature for his best-selling classic “LIFE”, the Nobel Prize in Economics for the immortal “SBS Theory of Poverty” and the Nobel Prizes in Physics and Medicine for his “SBS meter” which is the ultimate measure of the possibility of life on a planet in space. The reign of the remarkable SBS also saw Bhumiputra becoming the most popular name for young boys and girls as an entire generation of children was named after the inspirational SBS .

The Indian Government and the Shimla-based United Nations have declared a month’s mourning and have asked all flags(including plastic flags) to be flown at half mast. The legislatures of the 32 states of India conducted emergency sessions and issued identical appeals to the post-partisan SBS to take up residence in their respective states. However it is more likely that the stellar SBS will, as recorded in his will, travel to the space colony on Titan and take over the rule of the International Space Colony Agency. The issue of succession is already irrelevant since the Indian Parliament had, in an extraordinary Bill, declared the feisty SBS the last President and political authority of India.
We salute the gallant SBS who to quote a MP’s poetic description “many long years ago made a tryst with destiny and redeemed that pledge, not wholly or in full measure but substantially”

DP special—On this momentous yet sad occasion, we dedicate a whole month’s issues of the The Daily Pheesh to a detailed biography of the life and times of the historic SBS. We hope this will enable our dear readers to gain a greater perspective on the achievements of the magnificent SBS. --DP




PS-1. A special word of gratitude to the good people of India and Pakistan for providing me some peripheral inspiration.
PS-2 As should be gathered from above, the main source of inspiration is something else. I am 3 pages into Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s “The Autumn of the Patriarch” and it seems immensely promising.
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Poof!!!

                                The Daily Pheesh
                                 Saturday 11 July 2030
The Union Health Minister Ms Chintamani Anbumani Ramadoss (d/o ex-Health Minister Anbumani Ramadoss s/o PMK leader late Dr. P.K Ramadoss) has revealed the latest set of proposals designed to "remove the scourge of tobacco from India". The minister revealed this plan in an exclusive interview with the Daily Pheesh yesterday. These steps are part of a larger anti-tobacco drive that has been championed by the Government ever since the Minister's father occupied the position of the Health Minister in the first decade of the century. Some of the proposals include:

1) All male citizens whose annual income is less than Rs 1,80,000 per annum have been prohibited from marrying. According to the Minister "..this will prevent these people from spreading their genetic material among the populace of India".

2) All male citizens whose annual income is between Rs 1,80,000 and Rs 6,00,000 per annum(henceforth referred to as "subject") have been given permission to marry on the fulfillment of the following conditions.
a) The woman who is to marry the subject has to sign a No Objection Certificate(NOC) which shall state that she is responsible for all ill-effects that shall affect the subject,herself and whatever offspring that are emergent from the marriage.
b) The subject shall pay a "Special Tobacco Tax" of Rs.60,000 per annum and shall carry around a sign with a "skull and crossbones" on his neck.

3) All male citizens whose annual income is higher than 6,00,00 per annum are exempted from any restrictions on smoking. This exemption also extends to all employees of ITC which is one of the largest and most successful corporations in India.

The Minister, during the course of the interview, spoke out against "special interests and business corporates" who were preventing the proper implementation of the anti-tobacco drive. However she went on the defensive when asked about the ITC exemption and her only response was "Health is very important but business must also go on". When the Pheesh asked the minister about the growing number of women smokers in India, the Minister sported a very pained look and declared in a stern voice "Indian women do not smoke". ---DP


Exaggeration? Paranoia? Over-reaction?? Check this out!!

Dream Team!!

                                  The Daily Pheesh
                                  friday 4 July 2008
The Daily Pheesh has come into possession of a classified document which reveals the Samajwadi Party's master plan with details of the true demands of the party and its vision of the future, Contrary to popular perception, the master-plan(which was approved at the Parliamentary Board meeting of the party) does not involve the replacements of the Finance and Petroleum Ministers alone. The SP has, in fact, outlined the contours of of a new-look cabinet which they believe, is the need of the hour to solve the multitude of issues the nation faces. Here's a sneak peek into the SP "Dream-Team".

1) Prime Minister-Hon. Sri Mulayam Singh Yadav(purely honorary position)
2) Finance Minister- Sri Subroto Roy Sahara
3) Minister for Home Affairs- Sri Raghuraj Pratap Singh alias Raja Bhaiya
3) Minister for Human Resource Development- Sri Amitabh Bachchan
4) Minister for Petroleum and Natural Gas- Mr. Anil Ambani
5) Minister for Law and Justice- Mr.Vikas Yadav
6) Minister of State (Independent Charge) for Women and Child Development- Srimati Jaya Bachchan
7) Minister of State for Environmental Protection- Mrs. Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan
8) Minister of State for Youth Affairs and Sports- Mr Akhilesh Yadav (son of Hon. Sri Mulayam Singh Yadav)
9) Minister of State for Migration, Immigration and Emigration(MIE)- Sri Abu Azmi
10) Special Government Coordinator on Youth Inspiration and Promotion of Poetry Effort (YIPPE)- Sri. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam

i)Chief Executive Officer, Chairman of Governing Coalition, Chief Spokesman, Chief Motivator of the Armed Forces, Minister for External Affairs, Chief Negotiator (to be addressed as Chief)- Sri Amar Singh

Government of India Notifications:
a) The Ministry of Defence has been formally abolished. The three armed services will deal with all necessary details. All defense contracts shall be a part of the mandate of the External Affairs Ministry. All foreign trips for diplomatic/trade/defense purposes shall be undertaken by Chief Amar Singh in his capacity as Chief Negotiator
b) The Revenue Department which deals with taxation, unauthorized wealth etc has been detached from the Ministry of Finance. The HRD Minister Sri. Amitabh Bachchan has kindly consented to take charge of the department
c) President's Rule has been declared in Uttar Pradesh. The Government has issued a special order declaring ex-CM Kumari Mayawati guilty without trial and sentencing her to death by "statuification"(use of human body as mold for a bronze statue.For historical parallels re.Mughal-e-Azam) for her crimes against the nation and its people.
d) "Kya Aap Panchvi Pass Se Tez Hain", hosted by Shah Rukh Khan on Star Plus has been declared an obscene, immoral television program and the the host shall be prosecuted for endangering the moral health of the nation.
e) Mrs. Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan has been appointed the Indian Ambassador to France. She will shoulder this responsibility in addition to her position in the Union Ministry.
f) The Government has decided to confer the Bharat Ratna on Sri Amitabh Bachchan for promoting culture, Mr. Anil Ambani for promoting entrepreneurship, Smt Jaya Bachchan for promoting family values and Chief Amar Singh for promoting Chief Amar Singh.

The Daily Pheesh has also come to know that Mr. Vikas Yadav(guilty in Nitish Katara murder case, co-guilty in Jessica Lal murder case and prospective Law Minister) has resigned from the BSP, the party which he joined recently with his father D.P.Yadav. In an exclusive interview to the Pheesh he said "Kumari Mayawati is power hungry and does not care for the people. I share the vision of Hon. Sri Mulayam Singh Yadav and Chief Amar Singh."---DP

Nepotism Notes

A really funny one
However nothing surprising for us in India. Visualise:

Tuesday, March 15,2016

Indore: The proceedings at the 84th plenary session of the Indian National Congress turned ugly today as supporters of INC president Rahul Gandhi and his sister Priyanka Gandhi Vadra clashed violently over the future of the beleaguered party. 1 AICC delegate was injured as he tried to immolate himself to express his support for Ms. Gandhi Vadra. Both Mr. Gandhi and Ms. Gandhi Vadra have condemned the violence.
        The fracas began when Mr.Ajit Pawar (son of former Minister Sharad Pawar)accused Mr.Gandhi of failing to fulfill his promise of reviving the party's fortune. He called upon Mr.Gandhi to step down and requested Ms Gandhi Vadra to take over the reins of the party "in the tradition of your most noble mother and grandmother".This is the culmination of the on and off power struggle between the siblings that erupted 2 years ago when their mother Ms.Sonia Gandhi retired from politics to pursue what she called 'vanaprastha'.Attempts to contact Ms.Sonia Gandhi at her Rishikesh residence have not yielded any results.

THE DAILY PHEESH
wednesday 14 february 2046

otttapalam:in one of the most emotional reunions in the history of Indian politics, the indian national congress(i-r) and the indian national congress(i-p) effected a merger after 30 years of fierce infighting and rivalry which brought india's oldest party to the verge of destruction. the merger was officially announced at the 85th plenary of the inc (i) at ottapalam by antonia rahul gandhi and reihan priyanka gandhi vadra the presidents of the inc(i-r) and inc(i-p) respectively.It is worth remembering that the party split into two in 2016 after the acrimonious proceedings of the 84th plenary of the party and the famous lok sabha fight between rahul gandhi and priyanka gandhi vadra. antonia(36) and reihan (46) spoke in eloquent terms of the sacrifices of their parents, grandparents ,greatgrandparents, greatgreatgrandparents, greatgreatgreatgrandparents and countless other relatives and family friends including mahatma gandhi who had all given their lives to the nation.it is speculated that the reunited party might be renamed as the inc(jirsorp) after the names of the prominent members of the nehru-gandhi family to celebrate the efforts of the family and inspire the party workers. the new party has two seats in the lok sabha-rae bareilly which is held by antonia rahul gandhi and amethi which is represented by reihan priyanka gandhi vadra.